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Recap of Part One: We feel like Humpty Dumpty. We fell off the wall (symbol for our life, our identity).  We feel traumatized. Shattered. Damaged. Rattled. I relax when I understand that, when karma from past lives ripens, I cannot change it. The only choice I have is the attitude I adopt.

When we’re in a serious crisis or have experienced some trauma, well-meaning friends give advice about what we “should do.”  Some suggest “roll up your sleeves,” or “pull your socks up.” Others might suggest that we try to “get motivated” to change our situation, to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Others suggest that we should try to “solve” the crisis.

I myself embrace the following perspective: Read the rest of this entry »

(Prologue: I’ve got first-hand experience that a real understanding of the laws of karma can substantially change our lives for the better. I created this weblog to share information and personal experience with others. May it be of benefit!)

 “Making mistake after mistake, I walk the unmistaken path.” Khenpo Tsultrim Gyamtso Rinpoche

I’ve done some pretty stupid things in my lifetime.

But this one “takes the cake.”

Now I am reaping the karma.

The “cake” is no longer pleasing to me. The icing on top has evaporated, exposing the guts of a cake that is no longer whole. Slices have been taken out of it. I cannot find my self anymore.

I obsess over what I see as my mistakes and ask again and again “how could I have been so stupid?” This past week I talk to a fellow practitioner about this constant daily “review” of my “mistakes.”  He quotes the following to me by heart:

……
……
The everyday practice is simply to
develop a complete acceptance and
openness to all situations and emotions.

And to all people — experiencing
everything totally without reservations
and blockages, so that one never
withdraws or centralises onto oneself.

<source: The Vidyadhara, Venerable Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, excerpt from Maha-Ati text>

That phrase “centralises onto oneself” grabs me, shakes me up  — that’s what I am doing. Centralizing into myself. I’m glad for the reminder. While I don’t necessarily “feel better,” without that reminder I will mindlessly continue to deepen the rut, the stuckness, that I am experiencing.

The Good News! I find it strangely helpful to realize that Read the rest of this entry »

(Prologue: I’ve got first-hand experience that a real understanding of the laws of karma can substantially change our lives for the better. I created this weblog to share information and personal experience with others. May it be of benefit!)

“Passion is not unbridled desire or obsession, but natural playfulness and interest in the world.” – @SakyongMipham

In my last post <please click here to see last post> I described a dream around my relationship with Alex (“Dream Man”), and the identity crisis that the dream triggered.

Feb 03, 2012 – Alex and I are lying on a king-size bed together. We are in the middle of it. Fully clothed. I am propped up on my left arm facing Alex who is lying flat on his back. Our strong karmic connection with and affection for each other is obvious. Two other couples lie at each end of the bed, again fully clothed. I do not know who they are. They are lying still. But their affection for each other is obvious. Alex asks me “Why aren’t we together?” I reply “because I would never leave you.” He whispers “Oh God.” I lean down and kiss him. He does not move. He says nothing. Then I put my head on his chest and,  simultaneously, I experience a feeling of sadness.

This crisis, not Alex, was the focus of that post.

In this post, Alex is the focus, or should I say, “Alex” in his incarnation as Cleopatra’s doctor.

Once upon a time there was a queen called Cleopatra  (69 BC to 30 BC)  who ruled over the land of Egypt. She had a doctor called Alexander (“Alex” in this lifetime) . They had a secret love affair. I don’t think it was secret because there was some edict that forbade a relationship between a doctor and his patient. At any rate, regardless of any “rules,” what queens want, queens get. But Cleopatra was married to Mark Antony! And Rome was presenting her to the Romans as a whore with whom Antony was besotted. She could hardly let another lover surface in public! Cleopatra’s relationships with Julius Caesar and Mark Antony had political elements. But with her doctor, there was no politics. Just heart. And a deep and abiding love and trust. He was her confidant. Alexander  kept a diary which has been used as a source of information about his queen and the times, including my personal favourite by Margaret George. At any rate, this secret affair created karma, both positive and negative\challenging, for both of them.

This post explores that karma. Read the rest of this entry »

PLEASE NOTE:

My weblog is an in-depth look into the concept and experience of karma. So when I started to write this Relationship Series, I debated with myself whether to include the dream below.

It is raw. It is intimate. It is sensitive. It is erotic. I then realized that the dream, notwithstanding its appearance, is not primarily about sex. Instead, it illustrates the theme of unresolved issues around romance.

Feb 03, 2012 – I and a man called Alex are lying on a king-size bed together. We are in the middle of it. Fully clothed. I am propped up on my left arm facing Alex who is lying flat on his back. Our strong karmic connection with and affection for each other is obvious. Two other couples lie at each end of the bed, again fully clothed. I do not know who they are. They are lying still. But their affection for each other is obvious. He asks me “Why aren’t we together?” I reply “because I would never leave you.” He whispers “Oh God.”  I lean down and kiss him. He doesn’t move. He says nothing. Then I put my head on his chest and simultaneously, I experience a feeling of sadness.

Life had been going along very well. I thought I knew who I was. Until this dream. It haunts me. Why? For the last three decades I have believed that my karmic path does not involve romance. The dream is saying that I have been mistaken. Oh-ooooooooh.

Here’s what the anatomy of one identity crisis looks like:

• Feb 01 — Have eye operations to remove cataracts.
• Feb 02 — review message from my late life partner (click here for message)
  
• Feb 03 — Have this dream. Wonder about the timing of the dream. Given my eye operations, am I (figuratively speaking) seeing clearly now?
• Mar 22 — I meet one of my spiritual spouses for supper (please double click here to take you to my Glossary for a definition of “spiritual spouse”) to discuss my dream. I’ve known him for 34 years. For the first time in our relationship he pins me down in a way he has not done before — “You’re a romantic Maggie.” He goes on to say:
  

Neither the man (Alex)  nor details of the dream are important here. Sex is merely the symbol the dream uses to point to the main message, which is that your long-held view of yourself has crumbled. This long-held view is that “romance-is-not-part-of-my-karmic-path.” There are unresolved issues around romance that you have to resolve now. If you don’t resolve them,  you will maintain your karmic patterns. You have shut off that part of yourself. This dream has administered a shock to you. But you were ready for the shock. That’s why it has been so effective.

• The message of the dream haunts me to the point that

• on Mar 21st my crystal mala breaks — this symbolizes to me that my identity (how I think of myself) has fallen apart; and
• on Mar 24th I go the wrong way on a one-way street.

• Mar 23 —  I have an appointment with my health practitioner, another of my spiritual spouses. His suggestions are the same: focus on the main message of the dream, not Alex, not the details of the dream itself.
• Mar 31  — Meet a trusted girlfriend for coffee and muffins – “girltalk” is fun and light, but also serious. Helpful. “Ride the energy and drop the storyline,” she suggests. My women friends have a different perspective than my spiritual spouses. Both are valuable.
  
• Apr 01 — April Fool’s Day – Cry.
• Apr 02 — Send my health practitioner an e-mail. He gives me an appointment that day. When I arrive, I announce to him that I must be delusional. While I realize that I am being “thoroughly processed” as it is known in the dharma teachings, I am panicking. Actually, it’s just that I, like Humpty Dumpty, have taken a fall off the apparently solid wall (wall symbolizes who I think I am; my identity) on which I had been sitting for many years. The rug has been pulled out from under my storyline which could be expressed as “romance-is-not-part-of-my-karmic-path.”

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

But this time I do not rush to “recover.” As frightening and painful as what I am experiencing is, I don’t want to re-cover. I want to manifest as who I actually am. (Double click here to review my previous post about Humpty Dumpty.) I don’t want ego to be put back together again.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humtpy Dumpty together again.

Notwithstanding the fact that we do not focus on the man in the dream or any particular detail in the dream, at this appointment my health practitioner and I discuss the detail of my kissing the man. To me the kiss  (as a symbol)  “seals the deal.” But what deal? It is not clear in the dream, except that it is an acknowlegement of our connectedness. So what kind of relationship would I like with this man, my health practitioner asks? Given the latent eroticism of the dream, my reply surprises him:

As long as I can spend time with him I don’t care if he just wants to walk around the city or read the newspaper and drink tea together. Whatever suits him suits me. In other words, for me it’s choiceless in the best sense of that word — heart trumps ego. But I do miss the relationship we had many years ago where we could chat on any topic in a no-holds-barred way. In the dream as soon as I say “Because I would never  leave you,” the man figuratively goes to sleep. In other words, he does not want to relate directly to my answer. He prefers to use the king-size bed to sleep, not make love. In other words, not only is the nature of our relationship not clear in the dream — it is not clear in “real life” either. In the meantime, I have to go on with my life. {ADDED OCTOBER 21’12: I see now that the man didn’t respond positively to my saying “because I would never leave you” because he is not looking for any commitment for me. He doesn’t want to involve himself in a committed relationship.)

Before I leave the appointment, my health practitioner gives me excellent suggestions around practices that deal specifically with intense emotions (kleshas). Another suggestion involves the concept of “offering.”

Don’t resist anything that arises in my mind, he says. Instead, offer it all to the lineage, the three roots, the buddha, dharma and sangha. To others who are not Shambhala Buddhists, they may think of it as offering to the universe. It doesn’t matter. Just offer.

• April 04 — I weigh myself at my fitness club before taking aquafit class. I have lost 15 pounds in three weeks. That evening, I attend the events around the 25th anniversary of Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche’s parinirvana. In one of the film clips we see to honour Rinpoche, he says
  

  Go out and fall in love…..with something.

Never let it be said that I don’t follow the command of my guru!

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April 04, 2012 is the 25th anniversary of Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche’s death (parinirvana). I am using this post to pay tribute to his great love for his students and to a heart that sustained and guided his escape from mountainous Tibet in 1959 so that he could bring the Shambhala buddhist teachings to the West.

“The main point is to have a heart! If you don’t have a heart, you have to build one. If you need further reinforcements, take a piece of my heart. You have it. It is yours.” (Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche)

In Part Two of this Relationship Series, we discussed “falling in love.”

Today’s post is about love.

Me: I gather that love comes out of primordial\ultimate basic goodness. But how can we relate to it on the relative plane? The use of the word “love” seems to be so abused at this point [as to render it almost meaningless]. We have “bought into” a lot of the ceremonies that our society has taught us about “love.”